Mission:         Humans: Would You Hire Them?    A planetary resort requires a large workforce. Labor resources are limited in this sector of the galaxy. And availability is already strained by the high turnover (and death rate) at the Great Gambling Houses on nearby Titan

Background:                 A labor availability condition alert of level "Sizzling Pink" was issued by the Great Council for this quadrant of the galaxy. This was prompted at the urging of the Commonwealth’s Panel On Persuasive Economics.     Unfortunately, no one knows for sure just how serious a level "Sizzling Pink" is, as the individual who keeps the official Log of Alert Code Definitions has somehow mislaid it. But everyone agrees that, if the concerned look on the faces of the panel's members is any indication, "Sizzling Pink" has simply got to be pretty serious.     In (Earth Calendar) December of 2000, Sector Commander Al Gore, in an unexpected written proposal to the Council, recommended that the Commonwealth make immediate use of the vast human population to help alleviate this shortage— At least for the low-skilled positions. He urged immediately implementing a pilot project utilizing humans from a small region he called "Florida."   Commander Gore's proposal was completely & utterly ignored. A short time later, Gigantic University’s Department of Preventable Obstinate Contrariness, issued a terse study cautioning against the use of human labor in any form. To illustrate their point, they included a short film of candid clips of human fathers admonishing their sons for their "laziness"— "FIFTEEN Times, I've asked you to take out this garbage…" followed by, "What does it take to get you to help out around here, Mister," and, "You don’t WANT to ever amount to anything, do you. Well? DO you?"     Still in shock from the film, the Council then heard testimony by the Travel & Leisure Syndicate, who stated vehemently that they would rather seize control of the Great Council, gut the existing members from head to terminal-appendages, and cement their family members to the foundation stones of their home office tower before they would ever employ a human at their Galactic Luxury Resort.     ACTION TASK:                     Alert intergalactic agent that you are, you’re probably wondering why you've been assigned a mission that the Council is obviously resistant to. Unfortunately for them (and potentially their family members), Council members had been so stunned by the Travel & Leisure Syndicate’s "testimony," they had fled en masse from the Great Chambers. Apparently, to everyone's surprise, "fleeing en masse" is an officially sanctioned

process of "Adjournment With All Open Legislation Approved"— Although this particular method hadn't been utilized in years.   Since Commander Gore's unread proposal lay buried on the HighChair’s desk, and had been stamped upon submission with the Great Seal Of Things We Need To Get To, it had inadvertently been made into law. Oops!     That in mind: (1.) Please submit ideas of how to remove the population of an entire state without all the other humans noticing and, thus, panicking. Proposals already suggested include: (a.) Removing the Floridians during the season premiere of TV's popular "American Idol" program; (b.) Replacing each Floridian with chimpanzees; (c.) Scrapping the whole idea, & putting the chimpanzees to work instead. We welcome your views on these suggestions. (2.) In addition, please study labor management and motivation techniques employed by humans themselves. Which— if any— are effective? Example: We understand that authoritarian methods have often been used, but that, surprisingly, the results are spotty.     Also, please report on the "Coaching" method of management currently in vogue among human businesses. It seems to involve masking any signs of frustration towards an employee's poor work habits, pretending to respect the employee, & inventing pretend-positive attributes to build upon. Somehow, it's assumed the employee will now be "empowered" to abandon their problem work habit.   Please report on the success rate of this method. Frankly, we question the logic of a technique that doesn't specifically lay out to an employee what they need to change. Somehow using a cattle prod would seem more effective. (3.) Finally, if you identify any product humans produce that may appeal to a largely upscale galactic demographic, please present a proposal. For instance, we understand there's a product called "night soil" that may have value to horticulturalists.     Chain of command:            You will report directly to Mission Commander Roger Mhundane. Commander Mhundane’s demand for strict adherence to procedure and policy has made him the Council’s "Go To Man" for management of operations they have no intention of implementing. Submit your field reports on the Mission: Humans— Would You Hire Them? discussion board on Ufopals.com.

 

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