Mystery Science Theater 3000 Treatment for Hit Movies!

History Of Shame:

Alien Skeletons In The Closet

The locals call it Earth. Thoughout the galaxy,  it was widely held that the best use of this insignificant back-water planet was to turn it into a planetary penal colony.  Members of the Galactic Great Council gave this notion enthusiastic &  unanimous support,  and the permit gathering, and contract awarding had been underway for years.

But shocking findings, published by  Gigantic University’s School of Disruptive Studies, would bring it all to a screeching halt. The study found that the notion of sending hardened criminals to such a temperate planet of such sheer natural beauty didn't play well with Commonwealth citizens, most of whom lived on worlds so stark & inhospitable that even mold spores refused to stay for long.

Sensing opportunity, the powerful Travel & Leisure Syndicate  strong-armed their way into the debate , hoping to swing influence in their favor. The study’s findings, they argued, shouldn’t be thought of as bad news, but rather proof positive of a vast market ripe for the picking--  If so many Galactic citizens found Earth’s beauty irresistible, then selling vacation packages to  this ”enchanting world of water” would be, as the humans put it, “A cake walk!”

Now, speaking of " the humans,"   the first hurdle was --  Well, what the heck to do with all of them. Naturally, extermination was an obvious solution.  But, while this may be  great in concept, executing the plan proved to be a logistics nightmare. The disposal, for instance, of such a massive population would be quite an undertaking, and the thought of the unavoidable stench during the arduous cleanup was not something anyone was wild about signing onto!

A chance, controversial discovery  by Dr. Donald Johanson of the University of Saukouls, would throw an even bigger "monkey wrench" into the advancement of the project. His findings were published in a groundbreaking study titled “What Was He Thinking?”

Dr. Johanson was researching the horrific, galactic-wide reign of the powerful Saukoul Drug/Religious Cartel, a violent, vicious regime that was in power approximately 3.2 million Earth years ago. The cartel operated large-scale poppy farms on Earth, at the time, to supply the massive narcotic appetite of the great gambling houses they controlled on nearby Titan.  Among the creatures then populating Earth, was Australopithecus afarensis, playful, happy-go-lucky hominids who loved nothing better than a good, sticky poo-hurling fight. Charming as these traits were, A. afarensis proved useless as  field hands— Their brain cases were barely larger than a modern-day chimpanzee! And, because of their propensity towards constantly demanding to be the center of attention, they were considered by Cartel employees to be a distracting, if charming, nuisance.

But neither that, nor the prominent, protruding brow, proved enough to prevent a low-level farm field- boss from becoming  enamored by one of the “locals,” a diminutive creature, he named Lucy (after his mother.).  Or perhaps it was just the way-too-available narcotics.

And, by  “enamored,” of course, we mean (excuse our bluntness), he mated with her.

“Yick!” is right! Or whatever you just hurled in exclamation!

It was a horrible mistake. It started an evolutionary chain of events on Earth that continues to plague us to this day. Homo Sapiens was the eventual result— a creature who inherited our  own high intelligence and great manual dexterity. Unfortunately, like Lucy’s kind, they're completely devoid of a moral framework, and each individual can only experience life as if they were the center of the universe. Perhaps the only blessing we can count in all this, is that it would have been far worse if the sexes of the parties involved had been reversed—  If the field boss had been the one who was the female!

“Shudder” is right!

Given our culpability in all this, given that humankind is like a distant cousin to us, the idea of wholesale extermination simply seems in poor taste. After all, if not for the “trailer-trash” moral behavior of a certain low-level field boss, Planet Earth wouldn’t be trying to shake off its plague of humans like a bad dose of food poisoning, and instead would be populated by happy-go-lucky, poo-hurling chimps.

So, what do we do with the human race? As you know, research teams stationed on Earth have been studying just that question— It's likely you're assigned to one of these teams yourself. Elsewhere on this site, we'll examine their findings to date for  the six most popular options .